So here I am on FUCKBOOK rifling through some messages seeing complete profiles of real FAKE people. I speak to lots of guys on the site through messages and always get the same response too... " I signed up thinking I'd hook-up with someone in the area but it doesnt look like that's going to happen. Lots of phony chicks on here or no one in my area really talks to me."

So here's the thing, I really looked over tons of these dating sites and was astonished at the pay-to-talk bullshit and hard to believe girls in my area (fake accounts). Tons of sites offering GET LAID TONITE slogans or HOTTEST BABES IN YOUR AREA. It's all spam. Apparently it's harder to get people to hook-up than first thought!

Guys get on these sites thinking they are really going to get some pussy If only they pay for subscriptions and in actuality they just get some messaging features to talk to other guys pretending to be girls or some chick 5 states away.

Don't waste your hard earned cash on these ridiculous claims and deceiving testimonys. (If you want to waste your cash just send me … I can do you more good than any of those fake profiles any day of the week.)

Don't get discouraged. FUCKBOOK for the most part is a good place to start as far as talking to the opposite sex as long as you know most profiles can be totally misleading or bogus. Remember to be kind and focus on your own bright features and jazz your profile with pictures and even blog posts like this one. Tell everyone what sexilually interests you. Learn to send a first message that doesn't contain a cock picture. The 'free' messaging & blog posts as well as the free pics to view can surely cause quite an erection without opening your wallet. You can do more here than most sites and every now and again make a cool connection.

It passes the time away. Be happy for the little things. I like it myself. I've had tons of laughs (at others experiences of course) and always get a few weirdos but that's part of the game .

92. The Throne of Lightning - This is done by fucking a girl while you shit in a … When you're going to blow your load, turn her over and dunk her head in the … while she's bobbing for your turd plummet a river of semen in her ass. Not to be confused with "Ride the Lightning," a Metallica album

93. Abe Lincoln - You're getting a girl up the ass and give her a swift donkey punch to the back of her head, knocking her … You then turn her around and jerk off and blow your load all over her face. Then you shave her beaver and take the clippings and spread it where you jizzed on her, making a beard that looks like good ol Honest Abe's.

94. Thanksgiving - Just like the holiday, Thanksgiving is when you do a girl and then she puts her two big butt cheeks on your face like holiday hams. An overcooked thanksgiving is similar to this but instead of just putting the cheeks on your head she farts on it too.

95. PEUM - An acronym coined by a group of … assholes that defines the annoying (and uncontrollable) tendency to … in multiple directions after a raucous fuck: Post-Ejaculatory Urinary Misfire.

96. The Beverly Hills Whiffer -This move is restricted to those women who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a woman of the above description. Take her home and start doggie styling her. When you're about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass, … as much shit as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach around her head to stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back so she can see you while you yell "So, you think your shit don't stink now ?!"

97. Shanghai Shampoo - Fuck a chick until you've built up a load large enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub it in thoroughly. When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles often served with chop suey.

    98 . Frosting the Cake - When you are about to cum, blow a load all over her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the Jism around the breasts and over the nipples. Then stick some candles on it and start singing "Happy Birthday." Then blow out the candles

98. Spicey Stanley - When a girl takes hot sauce and pours it on your cock. She then proceeds to give you a blowjob, making sure all of the hot sauce is gone.

    100.The Brodieruption - while a girl is speaking loe genitalese to you, right before you shoot soul sauce down her gullet, rip ass right in her face, á la brodie and renee, in mallrats.

    101.Toboggan - when you attack from behind on your partner, push them and then ride them down the stairs like a tobaggon sled.

    102.Snowball - this is after your partner gives you head and then when you cum in her mouth she attempts to make out with you.

    103.Dirty Snowball - this is of the original snowball but instead of her trying to make out with you, she makes out with someone else.(This gives you negative points in a Sex point scale Game)

    104.Golf - this is when you are eating out a girl and then grab her pubic hair and yank it and yell "FORE" please send me a message so that i know you got these. thanks again and hope to see these on your new lists..

    105.Milking The Cow - Have sex with a girl with a rubber on, then afterwards pull the rubber off ever so carefully so that all of your specimens are in the bottom then while laying down after sex hold it upside down over her face and use the condom while pretend your milking cow utters.

99. The Pirate Maker - When your sitting on a girls face and she's sucking on your nuts, you start poking her in the eye with your cock.

    107.Spanish Inquisition - This is kind of like the Snowmobile. While fucking a woman in the ass, grab her arms and bring them up behind her, arching her back. Then yell, "Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition." For some variation, add a donkey punch.

100. The Volcano - Blow your load on someone's ass crack. Then wait for them to fart and cause the cum to spurt out.

101. Corn Flakes - This requires a really dirty partner. When you're about to cum, shoot it in her ear. If she's dirty enough, she'll have plenty of ear wax. Hopefully, the ear wax will float atop the semen. With the correct coloration, her ear will look like a bowl of milk and cereal.

102. Ali - When give a guy a hummer, start punching his nutsack as if it were a punching bag.

103. The Lloyd Bridges - When she's giving the head job and you're just about to blow, twitch and yell "Who is it?" She will look around. Blow in her ear. She will look confused, and will jerk her head repeatedly to one side, just like Lloyd Bridges did to get the seawater out of his ear in Sea Hunt. (For those too young to remember, he was a crime-busting scuba diver).

104. The Triple Crown of Sex - In the yapper, the snapper and the crapper all in the same session.

105. Tombstone 69 - while having standing 69 with her upside down, wait till you cheeze then exclaim "tombstone" and drop her on her head WWF style. With any luck she will proceed to expell "angry dragon" style as well because of the impact. Important note: make sure your dick is not in her mouth anymore when you tombstone her

106. Shanghai Stirfry - when a girl gives you a blowjob, pukes all over your cock and keeps going.

107. A Hot Carl - when you withdraw your shaft from the bowels of her anus and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning. (note: we all thought this one was only for 2 guys...)

108. The Halmstad Hook - This is a unique sequence of events named after a town in Sweden, where this apparently happens quite frequently. After dumping your spunk in her rear, the sauce is sucked out of the anus by the male. Once the sauce has transferred from her bowls to your mouth--the product that has been created is now known as "Swedish Cheese." The move is completed when the "Swedish Cheese" is transferred to the ladies mouth via a deep tongue kiss. You can cap this off with a swift stinging slap of her ass to show her how much you care and appreciate all her hard work.

109. Give a Cat a Bath - the act of trying to insert your testicle into a girls asshole, this is very hard to do, hence "give a cat a bath"

110. Ralph Malph - puke all up in her snatch while munching her box.

111. Breakfast at Tiffany's - the act of eating a soft-boiled egg from your girl's pussy.

     120.Karen Carpenter - fucking a chick in the ass while she vomits. Feels a lot like a multi-donkey punch.

112. The Mushroom Tattoo (aka Mushroom Welt/print) - when a chick's going down on you, you pull it out, pull it back and whip her in the forehead with it....thus....mushroom tattoo

113. Squeegee - when your fucking a girl in the ass, when your about to cum, you stick a pin in one of her ass cheeks, thus making her clench up and cleaning all the shit off your cock as you pull out at the same time.

114. Cunt Trumpet - While down on a chick, place your lips solidly over her love hole and blow, watch her stomach rise as she fills with air. Then, with a firm hand push down on her stomach to let all the air out like the beautiful sound of a trumpet

115. Rodeo Fuck - When you are doing your girl doggystyle, bend over and whisper in her ear, "your almost as good a lay as your sister..." Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

116. Seal the Envelope - When hooking up with a really … girl and she passes out before you cum, turn her over and blow your load all over her ass crack. When it drys, it will seal her butt cheeks together and she will have to pry them open the next day - hence, sealing the envelope

117. The Shocker (aka The Alien) - Two in the Pink and one in the Stink

118. Louisville Slugger - Your girl is on her knees in front of you servicing your pole. At some random point in time during this act you pull out, twist your hips, yell "BATTER UP!!!!" and smack her firmly in the cheek with your baseball bat like cock.

119. Wet Jessy - Sneak into a girls bedrooms while she's sleeping and Jack Off on her.

120. Pearl Harbor (for the ladies) - Right after sucking a guy off stand up and spit his jizz right back in his face, then yell "Tora, Tora, Tora!"

121. The Mumbler - A girl in pants that are too tight (you can see the lips moving but you can't make out what they're saying).

122. The Gardener - when you are doing a girl from behind, you pause and yank the hairs(weeds) from her asshole, then you proceed to "sow your seed" by cumming on her anus.

123. The Wheelbarrow - Man and woman are going at it doggystyle on the floor, then the man grabs the woman's legs and stands up, leaving the woman's arms on the ground, and starts running around the room, continuing to bang away...

Damn thats a long post, but its pretty fucking hilarious and just plain wrong in some situations.

1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An old favorite.

2. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

5. … Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl. (aka: …

6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful …

7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.

8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

9. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.

10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.

11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

13. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

15. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

16. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so … that when you go down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!

17. Dirty Sanchez - While banging a girl doggy style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into her starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on her upper lip, providing her a mustache.

18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence, western.

19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you're on the shitter.

20. The Bismark - Another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together.

21. Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.

22. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on your balls, repeatedly tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison act where one person is forced to chow starfish with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello, jism, etc

24. The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove your finger in her pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick, lapping away, and you discover that it's her time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

26. The Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty Zena who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat. You punch her.

27. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's chest and then titty fuck her.

28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).

29. The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (with both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on her face. You attain the status of Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over the skank's face and taking a dump.

31. Ray Bans - Put your nuts over her eye sockets while getting head. You're can is on her forehead. Yes, it may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.

32. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

33. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you fart while humping, pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until all movement ceases.

34. Smoking Pole - Self Explanatory. Don't use fire.

35. Rusty Trombone - Getting the reacharound while getting your salad tossed. Also known as milking the prostate.

36. Turkey Shoot - When you're coming, come on her face and let it drip off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the turkey's chin.

37. Stovepiping - Taking it in the Tush.

38. Rusty Anchor - After a healthy term of the Stovepiping, the recipient gets to enjoy a good fudgesicle.

39. Sandpiper - A stovepiping on the local beach, desert, or playground sandbox. Also known as the Sandblast.

40. Lucky Pierre - the middle man in a three way buttfuck. Also known as the french sandwich.

    41.Divortex- A mystical place into which old friends are sucked when a married couple splits up.

    42.Blump- To suck someone's dick while they are taking a dump.

    43.Bustard- A very rude bus driver.

    44.Cold Faithful- Blowing your visibly-steaming load outside in the winter-time, like when you get your cock sucked on a ski-lift.

    45.Grand pappy smash- To beat your meat so hardcore that it starts to chafe and bleed.

    46.Esplanade- To attempt an explanation while …

    47.Flatulence- The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    48.Butt Rodeo- When you're going at it with a girl, you flip her over real fast, start ramming her in the ass and yell as loud as possible "BUTT RODEO!" You then see how long you can ride her till she tosses ya off!

    49.Bargoyle- The hideous old hair-spray hag who seems to live at your local watering hole. She usually smokes endlessly, spends hundreds of dollars a night on video-poker, and makes sexually threatening comments to frightened college freshmen.

    50.Pasteurize- Once you get her hairy bush pasteurize, you got it licked!

    51.Beerelevant- A point which does not seem to be particularly important, given enough beer

    52.Mangry- Describing the anger of women who are angry at men, specifically. "She's such a bitch, she's just plain mangry."

    53.Clitourist- A man who won't stop and ask for directions in bed. ie: "Because of his fouled foreplay, Suzy realized that her new boyfriend was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a clitourist."

    54.Stuffucking- The act of "stuffing in" your limp, helpless member in hopes of getting it up. Potential causes: you're too … or she's too ugly. (see also; Fugly)

    55.Antlers- Wide, flat, flapjack titties that come to a sharp point at the nipples.

    56.The Kangmin - while a girl is reciting bad poetry, you take her from behind.

    57.The Flaming Amazon- This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then extinguish the flames with your jizz!

    58.The Screwnicorn -When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

    59.Split … -When you're taking a leak and you get two streams out of the one hole!

    60.A Short in the Cord- A "code" phrase used by the common man to refer to Testicular Tendon Tangle Syndrome. Ex. "Oh fuck! My nuts are killing me... I think I've got a short in the cord."

    61.Old Jism Trail -The stream of semen oozing down the chin and chest of someone who has just finished fellating a senior citizen.

    62.Abdicate -To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    63.Lymph -To walk with a lisp.

    64.Anal Boot- An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.