Blog uživatele ChristelV

So ... Many of you guys have steps to flirt very similar.

First, a greeting that is usually accompanied by a "you are very sexy", many emoticons and a question "What are you looking for on the site?" Question that really made me think. Because it is not the first time that I am here, and although I have left many times I always end up going back.

So, why am I here? Although it's hard for me to admit it, it's because of the attention I receive from all of you ... I know, I'm pathetic but what else can I do?

Let me tell you my story.

I do not really remember when I started feeling this way, but I feel like I'm in a very deep hole and getting darker.

Eight years ago my father died. And, honestly, I do not care too much. Sure, I miss him but I do not have any memories of him ... evenings playing, he helped me with my homework, not even some super deep life teaching ... nothing. Even so, his death marked a before and after in my life. He had a well-known name within the religious organization in which we belonged at the time and felt that it was my duty to perpetuate that name.

So I started to work very hard to take his place, and for a while I managed to keep it but that cost me my relationship with the rest of my family. Because they did not feel the same way I did, in fact they felt the opposite ... and their way of supporting me was to move away from me because they did not want to be a "bad influence". So they separated me, and I do not know if it was resentment, but I let it happen and I also set myself apart. Years passed and that distance only became bigger ... of course, that did not do me psychologically well and ended up falling into depression. Little by little I stopped working so much in memory of my father, and when I was no longer useful, all those people turned their backs on me ... basically, they discarded me. So I found myself at a point where neither my family nor the people within my religion were with me. But I resisted it, the years passed and I learned to remain silent about everything that happened around me ... no matter what happened, days without food, broken relationships, problems in the university, sometimes without shoes, dark thoughts in my mind ... none of that mattered, because I learned to keep quiet, because I thought (and still do) that that was the best.

He told me "do the best you can with what you have, we will solve it".

Years passed and I did not have any kind of support ... yes, I know, part of that was my fault because I never wanted to open up with anyone to not be a pain in anyone's ass.

And from that time towards here, many things have changed. I got a scholarship in college, a part-time job and I managed to control my depression.

And yet, here I am, writing this, in this place because I still feel alone. I'm about to graduate, so my scholarship will disappear and with it my work. And I can not stop worrying about what will come, find a job, pay the bills, keep the few things I have ... that and many other things, the worst of all is that I hate being a burden, and that's exactly what in what I am going to become. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, and I'm afraid to wake up one day, at forty, have a job that I hate and realize that I'm wasting my life ... but I have to eat, right? I have to earn money somehow, right? I have to fend for myself, but I do not know how I want to do it.

And while all that is inside my head, I have to deal with the rejection of my family, I have to deal with the fact that for them I am just a financial drain or the person with whom they retaliate if they have had a bad day in work or things like that ... I have to deal with the constant feeling that I'm not good enough, I have to deal with the bad days when I just want to be in my bed, deal with those days when I think the simple which is to stand in front of a bus and finish with everything, or the days when I think I'm just exaggerating and that I should not feel the way I feel.

It's just that I feel like I can not continue like this ...

And that's the reason why I'm here, you guys, with all the attention you give me is a distraction, you make me forget for a moment how miserable I am.

I know this is not the place to say all this, but ...

Sorry to put this here but, If you read all this, I really appreciate it, you are the best.