A-Gentleman's Blog

A woman in labour is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr Phil:

I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a perverted or what?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party. In my defence, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"

Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.